


three times a charm

by karlspov



Category: Gaya Sa Pelikula (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Men Crying, Pining, Sunsets, Swearing
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29732520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karlspov/pseuds/karlspov
Summary: paolo asks ian three times.one for curiosity,two for assurance,and three because he's giving up.
Relationships: Paolo Pangilinan/Ian Pangilinan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	three times a charm

**Author's Note:**

> \-- a work of fiction.
> 
> \-- was supposed to be posted by the time the batangas extravaganza happened, but postponed. and here i am, finally having the guts to finish said blurb. enjoy! (and please don't cry too much.)

Sa abot ng kanyang alaala, tatlo beses siyang nagtanong. Tatlong beses na kahit mukhang sobra ay tila hindi pa rin sapat. Hindi pa rin nakukuha ang sagot sa mga katanungan at sadyang naiiwan lang sa kawalan.

The first time he asked, it was uneasy. His voice was almost quiet, still testing the waters. Somehow uncomfortable.

* * *

**Okay ka lang ba?**

Words so simple yet they held a certain weight on them.

From that question onward, it signalled the start of their figurative hide-and-seek, hiding their true intentions but at the same time, seeking for the genuine gestures that clouded each other's mind and gave a lasting smile on their faces.

It was the most silent car ride he had participated in. Moreover, they both weren't used to this. One was being constantly bugged by his thoughts; the other was more than okay with the silence -- but damn was this ride making everything more excruciating.

What Paolo didn't expect was that there was no answer coming from Ian. Not even a head shake. Not even his typical "nope" with the 'p' popping every time. Ni isang salita, imik, o galaw. Just a poker face with his eyes trying so hard to focus on the road.

Tinitingnan niya kung sakaling may mangyari, may sabihin na hindi niya kayanin, dahil lahat naman ng mga katagang lumalabas sa bibig ni Ian ay laging sobra.

Sobrang ganda.

  
Sobrang lambing.

  
Sobrang bigat.

  
At bihira, sobrang nakakapaso na kahit isang buwan na ang nakalipas ay parang nakaukit pa rin sa alaala ng kausap niya.

All Paolo could give back was a confused look, eyes fleeting to Ian's grip on the steering wheel which hasn't changed ever since he picked him up on the sunset of that Tuesday.

And the other _notices._ Out of all the things he could do, the first thing is notice. A pair of eyes grazing over him, anticipating something; anything.

Ian closes his eyes shut, composing himself, a part of his conscience reminding him of what his words could inflict on the other.

"Yeah."

He pauses, second-guessing if he should add anything else to at least bury the awkwardness surfacing.

When Paolo gets nothing else but Ian clearing his throat, he slumps back in his chair, not wanting to pry anymore.

_Baka may dinaramdam._

He shares his own fair share of uncertainty, letting it out through a heaved sigh. Lips pursed but still wanting to say a lot more.

Like how Ian needs to know that he needs to take his time.

Or how he needs to know that he's there for him, _whenever._

And he means it.

_Literally._

* * *

The second time, for a change, was filled with concern and regret but still laced with the soft tone Paolo always used. It is officially round two of hide-and-seek. There was no way he would back down.

Specifically, he will not let his hesitation get in the way this time.

It was at their one and only stopover, a restaurant by the highway that served all-day breakfast, something they somehow both agreed to eat in. In fact, nagulat na lang si Paolo when Ian turned and decided to park by the little house-like venue that was lit by warm yellow fairy lights.

Paolo had then decided to push the worried thoughts away, thinking he could finally take a refresher and give himself a nice plate of local delicacies as a reward for making it this far.

Ian, on the other hand, had a stoic face that was largely unexpected from him, considering all the missed opportunities to amplify his features.

Features that would leave anyone awestruck.

He chose to stay unaware, detached, as if he didn't just deny his overwhelming emotions in front of his best friend. It didn't make sense to Paolo. That was not the Ian he knew and learned to love.

It was as if a different version of him was talking back at him, a different Ian that was sitting in front of him and scanning the menu -- was everything going so wrong or was it just Paolo and the sudden negativity getting inside his head? The answer wasn't going to appear anytime soon, he thought.

"Mag-oorder na ba ko?" He asks, hushed, peeking above the menu to catch sight of Ian who was still staring at the choices. A little glint of interest appears in his eyes as he looks down, calming the other slightly.

"Sure," Ian replied, fingers on his chin. It was then followed by Paolo calling the waiter and her approaching their table, a tight-lipped smile on her face.

"What can I get you both, Sir?" She asks, eyeing them both. It would be stupid if she didn't notice the tension between the two, especially with Ian with his head down and Paolo trying his best to juggle the reality and his reality. Two different realities that were so far away from each other yet so close at the same time.

Pero sino nga naman ba ang makakapansin? They were actors, for goodness sake. The older one always knew that with just a smile, Ian could make people think that everything's prim and proper when he's honestly struggling to fix himself in the first place. He hated to see Ian that way.

As much as he hated to admit it within his barriers, _hindi bagay kay Ian magpanggap._ Mahirap. Madaya. Delikado.

"I'll get the Set A of the all-day breakfast," His attention is now turned to the man in front of him. "Ikaw, Ian, anong sayo?" He replies, the waitress jotting down the details on a piece of paper.

"I'll get a salad," Ian then says, earning a surprised look from Paolo. Alam naman niyang health buff yung kasama niya, pero hindi ba 'to babawi ng kain? They have been driving since four o'clock, and not once did he see Ian get something to eat from their bag of snacks. Again, he was just concerned. Mahirap malipasan and besides, it was already dinner time.

"Wag na," Paolo objects. "Actually, yung order ko, gawin mo nang dalawa," He talks to the waitress, who notices the growing conflict between the two. All she could do was nod her head and tell them what their order was, and then leave. It was not her place to talk about it.

Sometime after she leaves, silence still envelops the two. Surprising enough because if someone knew Paolo and Ian well, they would be laughing, bickering, and teasing each other for hours. _Ngunit iba lang talaga siguro ang ihip ng hangin kapag nasa Batangas, 'no?_

Hangin na parang binabalot ka sa takot at pangamba, tugma sa nararamdaman ni Paolo.

Pakiramdam niya, unti-unting kumakawala si Ian sa kanya. Parang ilang saglit na lang, luluwag na nang tuluyan ang kapit sa kaniya. Ang totoo, isa iyon sa kinatatakutan niya.

Ang dumating na panahon na balutin sila ng katakot-takot na katahimikan at mauuwi silang walang masabi sa isa't-isa. Hindi niya hahayaang mangyari iyon sa kanila -- not ever.

"Pao, you didn't have to do that," Ian quietly tells him, may halong hiya sa boses habang pailing-iling.

"Ian naman…" Paolo stops himself. Hindi ito ang pagkakataon. Wag ngayon. Pakiusap. Pigilan mo ko.

He lets out a sigh, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Paolo diverts his attention to Ian, suddenly getting the courage to ask him something so simple yet could define the outcome of their supposed vacation.

**"Uy, galit ka ba sa 'kin?"**

The second time, he tells himself.

_Pangalawa na._

He shakes his head and closes his eyes to relieve himself.

And all over again, the other could give him nothing but an unapologetic smile, stealing one or two glances towards him, followed by an emotionless snicker.

"I'm not," Ian tries to make him convinced that he isn't, and in fact, he was nowhere near anger at that exact point. To be honest, he was even pitying Paolo.

His words (that were still unconvincing for the other, much to his dismay) were the only things that register fully in the older one's head.

His features soften once he becomes aware of the trying, the pent-up patience, the imaginary walls shattering so slowly beneath those few, spoken utterances.

"Sure ka?" Knowing Paolo means lightening up the situation whenever he can, and he does: with his animated head shakes and a timid chuckle after.

Ian nods, giving him a somehow reassuring smile. He takes in the sight before him, the restless and still hopeful Paolo waiting for a chance to uncover the truth.

They say the truth has this tendency to be ugly and that no matter how hard you try, it never ends up being on your side.

 _Why do you want to know it so bad, Pao?_ It didn't make sense for Ian.

His eyes perceive him the way he needs to be: Someone who is beautiful, intricate as if he was woven with the strings of the universe, and finished with the sprinkles of chance and fortune.

Paolo deserved everything.

The last thing Ian wanted Paolo to hear was the truth.

_For how could someone as beautiful and ravishing as him want something as ugly and condescending as the truth?_

* * *

The third was blunt, straightforward, a bittersweet chuckle leaving his lips before he willingly dropped everything into the deceptive safety net of fate.

He was tired.

Physically, due to being clumped up in a passenger seat for more than three hours.

Mentally, because the man had spent more minutes thinking of what went wrong between him and his unbothered driver instead of the directions towards Casa del Sol.

Emotionally, considering his competitive self was not going to let him sleep.

He won't let the sun rise the next day until he doesn't get what he wants.

Paolo, what do you really want? It irks him that the voice in his head doesn't sound like his subconscious… for the voice he hears is his own screen partner's. Not his own.

Pero sa kaibuturan ng utak niya, napaisip siya nang husto.

_Ano nga ba talaga ang gusto ko?_

Ang maging masaya at malaman ang pakiramdam ang kahit konting kalayaan?

 _Hindi,_ sapagkat alam niyang dapat siyang maging masaya ngayon -- pero walang nangyayari.

Mananaig pa rin ang pag-aalala. Bakas ang lungkot.

He realized one thing: hindi ibig sabihin na pag-iisa ang tanging solusyon para maging malaya.

_Bakit nga ba ako naghahabol na makita ang kasiyahan ng isang taong na itinuturing bilang hadlang sa sinasabi nilang "kalayaan" ko?_

Sa malalim niyang pag-iisip ay hindi niya namalayang dinadala na siya ng bawat hakbang sa may dagat, mga paang tila'y nababaon sa buhangin na hindi mabilang sa dami.

Punong-puno ang isipan niya ng kung ano-anong mga tanong, ngunit isa lang ang nangingibabaw:

_Bakit ba ako nandito?_

At siya rin ang tutugon:

 _Dahil gusto mo ng pahinga._ Tama naman.

_Pero hindi naman yata tama na sa pagkamit ko ng isa, ay hahayaan ko na lang na mawala ka._

He could never swallow down that fact and it still makes him scared inside.

Paolo found himself standing just by the shore, the blazing glare of the sun staring back at him, giving him a total reflection of the current situation.

What used to be the inseparable… was close to separating.

What was once a duo filled of glamour and glitter would end up being the lifeless and fleeting memory that they are. Little spaces between them yet it seemed like they were thousands of miles apart.

"Hey," Ian says, gracing Paolo's presence. He takes another swig from his root beer can, taking into account that this is how it is. Sa pagkalayo-layo ng nilakbay, dito rin pala tayo darating.

He purses his lips. "Hi." His foot taps the empty space of sand beside Ian.

Paolo then sits and Ian hands him his root beer can, remembering the times in Gege's apartment when they used to share food and drinks out of all things, even if it meant being half-sipped or half-chewed by the other.

He returns the can, a sad smile on his lips.

"Sayo na 'yan," Paolo insists.

"Sure ka ba? We both could use one. Don't worry, marami pa kong dala dun sa cooler," He is taken aback by the sudden eagerness, but all he could do is shake his head once more.

"Hindi na," He tells the other.  
"Okay na 'to."

Ian resumes his drinking, eyes wandering towards the waves crashing just footsteps away from him. Just the sound of them was already enough to calm him down -- but was he really?

Was he really calm?

He can't even look at Paolo straight without feeling like a total piece of shit. Deep inside, Ian was aware of the burden he had put on his partner's shoulders.

_If only he could ditch him,_ he negotiates, but he knew Paolo couldn't bear to see him go. Ayaw niyang palalain ang sugat na naibigay na.

At mas lalong ayaw niyang sirain pa ang isang bagay na tila'y basag na basag na.

"Ian?" Paolo asks, out of the blue.

"Hmm?" He replies, stare not wavering from the beachfront. Who knows what happens if he looks at him? Will he forget all his mistakes? He doesn't know. Nor will he even try.

**"Iniiwasan mo ba ako?"**

On cue, it's like all the sound has been sucked into one vacuum, and all what's left is Ian, Paolo, the sea, the torches, and the stars.

Nakakabingi.  
Nakakasakal.

Ian gives in to the little voice inside his head; he pays his attention towards Paolo. At oo, isang malaking pagkakamali. Isang maling desisyon na sana'y napigilan niyang gawin.

Ngunit sino ba ang makakatiis sa mga matang nangungusap na gustong kunin ang lahat ng sagot sa mga katanungan ng mundong ibabaw?

Sa unang pagkatataon, iniwan ni Paolo ang lahat ng kaniyang kinatatakutan at ipinagpasan sa daigdig ang kaniyang katanungan.

At naghihintay siya, oo, na baka sa pagdaplis ng mga paningin nila ay baka sakaling may buong sagot.

Buong sagot na hihilom sa kanyang wasak na puso.

Ian covers his newfound realization with a bitter laugh.

"Paolo, you know I can't do that-" He is taken aback when the older's voice cuts him off.

"Pero Paolo ang tawag sa 'kin. Ayos," The weight of rejection, sarcasm, and inflicted hurt all fused into one sentence.

Pero what Ian hated to admit was that he was right.

He had never called Paolo unless it was for something professional. Or worse, if he was mad.

_Shit._

_Paolo must've thought he's mad as hell right now._

"Pao," He reiterated, cursing himself for what he called him moments ago.

Ian inhales deeply, aware that regret is starting to creep up inside his body. He knows it's going to be one heck of a conversation -- something he didn't want to experience in the first place but what could he do?

He had brought this onto them.

"I'm not mad," The younger started. He could feel Paolo's eyes darting towards him. It burns. Etching itself onto the walls of his heart.

"I didn't want to ruin your break." His head ducks down, a sudden flash of embarrassment overcoming him. "Sabi mo magpapahinga ka. So I gave way."

"That's such-" Pao cut himself off. He needed to give Ian time to explain. Pinigilan na niya ang sarili niya bago pa siya makapagsalita ng bagay na kahit sino sa kanila ay hindi matutuwa.

Ian toyed with the almost empty can of root beer sitting in the palm of his hand.

"Ayokong sirain yung araw mo. Kasi if I was here to bug you, annoy you, or even waste my time talking to you," He enumerated. "You wouldn't catch a break."

"You would get frustrated. Pao, I wanted you to be happy."

"Even if it meant not spending time with me. Or talking to me. I didn't want you to put your energy solely because you felt bad or you didn't understand why I acted this way. Gusto ko ilagay mo lahat ng 'yan sa sarili mo."

Paolo tried to digest everything he had said. Yet one thing remains.

_Hindi ba siya ang pinagmumulan ng kaligayahan ko? Why would he push himself away into something he has already represented in the first place?_

"Nung iniwasan mo ko, I felt like I did you wrong. Akala ko napakabigat ng kasalanan ko. But it's not your fault." The guy spoke.

"Pero sana naman alam mo na parte ka na rin ng kaligayahan ko, Ian," His hands were starting to crumple and uncrumple themselves, fingers burying further into the endless wave of sand. The other places his hand on top of his, stroking it gently with his thumb.

"The reason why I was happy is because you were here. Tapos di mo ako pinapansin? Iiwasan mo ako because you thought it would make me happy? Well, breaking news, it's not!" He first dusted off the bits of sand before rubbing his face with his palm, frustration evident everywhere.

Nararamdaman na niyang pilit kumawala ng mga luha niya, pero he gives in.

Just once.  
Isang patak lang.

And Ian's thumb was nimble enough to catch it, wiping it swiftly.

"I just didn't know what to do," He reasoned out. "I'm sorry, Pao," He leaned onto Paolo's forehead for safety, a hand resting on the older's jaw as he tried his best to comfort him.

"If only I could tell them, everyone else," Ian threw him a sad smile, hand finding its way to caress the back of Paolo's head. Threading themselves as if it was the both of their fingers touching the green grass.

Huminga ulit sila nang malalim. Wala na silang magawa kundi palipasin ang oras, sa bawat saglit ay patuloy pa rin ang pagpatak ng luha ng binata. Mas lalo lang na makita niyang papalubog na ang araw, isang bagay na natutunan nilang pagmasdan ng magkasama.

It's something so natural yet it could bring a 24 year old to the brink of his tears.

"Sasabihin ko na sila na ikaw," He whispered. "Ikaw ang pahinga ko."

"Walang iba." Paolo said, suddenly feeling short of breath out of nowhere. An unapologetic smile grew in Ian's lips. It made him feel giddy, warm, all of the positive adjectives there are.

"As you are to me too, Paopao,"

"Ikaw rin ang pahinga ko."

"So why avoid me? Ha?" The older jokingly responded with a slap across Ian's shoulder, breaking the moment that was brewing between the two.

"I'm sorry na nga kasi," The younger whined. Paolo could do anything but shake his head. His smile says otherwise, however.

"Oo na," Paolo looks around and in a split second, pecks the flushed boy fully on the lips. The beautiful and flustered boy whose eyes were more glistening than the sunset that was a witness to the shared love they had.

And yet here he was, an exhausted boy who was more than thankful to have left the odds to the universe, not wanting anything else in return.

A giggling Ian was in front of him, trying not to burst as he pressed his lips just on the crown of his head. Just where Paolo wants it to be.

Sapat na tayo.

Sapat na tayong dalawa.

_Sapat na tayong dalawa sa mundo nating malaya._

_Na tayo lang ang nakakaalam._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for staying 'till the end!
> 
> leave a kudos or comment your reactions towards the whole thing! would love to hear from you guys <3
> 
> special creds to one of my friends who motivated me to finish this after sending their own blurb to me. big thank you! 🥺


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